get up and pee - the world's on fire!
My dad yelled that charming phrase on Saturday mornings (7:00 a.m.) to get us all up. Yep, 7. Yes, up. As in “HEY UP!” another common chant on a weekend.
In the interest of testing my memory (and saving some verbal gems,) here are a few of his other favorites:
1. A bubble off plumb (if you’ve ever used a level and hear this in reference to a person, you get the idea…)
2. A brick shy of a load
3. Wish in one hand and spit in the other; see which one gets full the fastest
4. Short and squatty, all ass and no body (as in ‘ she is..’)
5. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter
6. Hope you jump in my grave that fast (if you ‘stole’ his seat…)
Mom had a few:
1. Were you raised in a barn or a stable? (where’s the good choice here? This was her way of telling us to shut the door…)
2. Poop or get off the pot (yep, she said that)
3. It smells like something crawled up inside you and died (to my brother after he used the bathroom)
4. Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite (or sweet dreams and all that junk.)
My grandfather’s child-baffling list:
1. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with the crabs. (huh, for those of you who are way younger than me – a paper hanger is someone who hangs wallpaper. Now I heard this phrase before I had any idea what kind of crabs he was talking about…I’ll leave that one up to you to figure out.)
2. Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
3. Slicker than snot on a brass doorknob
That last one actually meant that something was clever (in Pap’s opinion.) He was big on using the ones that kids either didn't understand, or giggled over hours (or years) later when they finally got it.
I might have to start using a few of these...as soon as I can figure out which ones won't make me seem older than dirt.
In the interest of testing my memory (and saving some verbal gems,) here are a few of his other favorites:
1. A bubble off plumb (if you’ve ever used a level and hear this in reference to a person, you get the idea…)
2. A brick shy of a load
3. Wish in one hand and spit in the other; see which one gets full the fastest
4. Short and squatty, all ass and no body (as in ‘ she is..’)
5. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter
6. Hope you jump in my grave that fast (if you ‘stole’ his seat…)
Mom had a few:
1. Were you raised in a barn or a stable? (where’s the good choice here? This was her way of telling us to shut the door…)
2. Poop or get off the pot (yep, she said that)
3. It smells like something crawled up inside you and died (to my brother after he used the bathroom)
4. Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite (or sweet dreams and all that junk.)
My grandfather’s child-baffling list:
1. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with the crabs. (huh, for those of you who are way younger than me – a paper hanger is someone who hangs wallpaper. Now I heard this phrase before I had any idea what kind of crabs he was talking about…I’ll leave that one up to you to figure out.)
2. Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
3. Slicker than snot on a brass doorknob
That last one actually meant that something was clever (in Pap’s opinion.) He was big on using the ones that kids either didn't understand, or giggled over hours (or years) later when they finally got it.
I might have to start using a few of these...as soon as I can figure out which ones won't make me seem older than dirt.
Your family sounded like so much fun! But I thought that it was wish in one hand $hit in the other. At least, that is how us lowbrows were taught!
ReplyDeleteMy dad and your grandfather had similar tastes in swearing, though my dad said "colder than a witches tit in November."
ReplyDeleteThanks Sonya - they ARE fun, still (smartass never falls far from the tree!)
ReplyDeleteCaptain, it doesn't suprise me that you dad was cool - he seems to have passed it on. (yeah, I'm a dork, I think my grandfather was a pretty neat old guy!)
ReplyDelete"(smartass never falls far from the tree!)"-I have that tree too!
ReplyDelete