Really, I can take a pill

I went for my annual check-up recently. And when I say ‘annual check-up,’ I mean the ‘oh great, why do I always pick doctors with short fingers’ exam. Yeah, that one. Where the medical person in question (certainly not in sight, she’s down there with that giant light, omg, what exactly are they expecting to find?) tells you to ‘relax’ over and over. This is not a relaxing experience, at least not for me, and I can sleep through an MRI for Pete’s sake. Anyway, there I am, having the annual. She asks what brings me in, and I’m really glad she asks because I’ve been having headaches like it’s my J-O-B and I’m freaking tired of it and what can we do about it, give me drugs please. Whew. So of course the doc starts talking about hormones (yeah yeah, if you need a refresher I’m nearly 50 and we older women actually get headaches from estrogen withdrawal, can you freaking believe it?) But wait just a minute; she’s talking about hormones for 3 days a month. Nope, nu-unh, not gonna do it. I want them full time, give me the mones – c’mon hand over the good stuff. I assure her that the headaches are NOT only occurring during ‘that time of the month.’ Yeah lady, I wake up in the middle of the night sweating like a Baptist preacher and you’re talking about withholding the holy grail of solutions? The female fountain of youth? Nope. Hand ‘em over sister. After telling her about night sweats (without the preacher line, which really makes it so much better, thank you Project Runway,) she agrees that perhaps I need full time hormone replacement. That’s more like it – perhaps you should fetch your prescription pad. So she starts talking and I start fantasizing about a whole night’s sleep without getting up to change my nightgown and I nearly miss it when she says, “NuvaRing.” What? Come again? NuvaRing, you put it in once every three weeks. Huh? You’re kidding right? And she keeps right on going, “have you ever used a diaphragm?” Um, let’s see – NO, Nutjob, I was actually trying not to have kids when I was on birth control so I took the pill like all normal people my age. Next question, “have you ever used a tampon?” Now that’s more like it, hell yes, I’m a tampon using maniac! I can’t imagine life without those little cotton missiles. What does that have to do with birth control? Well, you put it in like a tampon. Oh, okay. Sure, great, hormones, just give me the stinking hormones. Oh and you only have to have a period every 9 weeks. Woohoo, even better, are you writing on that prescription pad yet? So, yep, I get the NuvaRing. Then I go home for lunch (because I do have to go back to work.) And I open the package. It’s exactly what it sounds like, a ring. About two inches in diameter - which I’m supposed to ‘use like a tampon.’ HUH? But hey, these are the hormones baby! So I go into the bathroom, squat awkwardly on the toilet (otherwise known as assuming the tampon insertion position) fold the ring in half and somewhat successfully manage to ‘insert the ring.’ Yay, hormones. I’m so excited that I have to share the news. I call my daughter to tell her about my successful foray into the land of delayed menopause. When I get to the part about the ring she interrupts me. “NuvaRing? You let her give you NuvaRing?” She’s laughing hysterically now. “Mom, they try to give every sucker who comes into the office NuvaRing. Why didn’t you just tell her, Gee, that sounds great, but I can take a pill? Did she spew that whole line about how hard it is to remember to take a pill?” She’s still laughing, in fact, now she’s nearly snorting. “Yeah, cause it’s so much easier to remember to fish around down there once every three weeks, pull out the used ring ( yep, you have to go find it later, I thought maybe it dissolved, but no such luck) and insert a fresh one for good measure.” “Jude, you just say, thanks but no thanks, I can swallow a pill!” Now I feel a little stupid and really my only defense is that I am so damned happy to get hormones that I don’t care where I have to put them. And isn’t that a good thing.